DISTINCTION WITHOUT A DISTINCTION – A SATIRE

• By Professor X

This piece reminds me of the last time my lecturer came to class to take us a course that gave everyone a soothing headache afterwards. As the usual and the brilliant type of a lecturer, he came to class without a lecture book, dashed to the board to do the usual la cram la pour and write out a beautiful balderdash for us to put down in our notes. Consequence of the cerebral display of the lecturer, with great absurdity residing in us, we gave a standing ovation as he walked out of class without a single word of explanation to what he had written. Afterwards, I heard my “Distinction” friend delving into deep argument about the level of the lecturer’s brilliance, then I asked myself, “how come my “Distinction” friend wouldn’t argue the lecturer is brilliant when he has been taking that particular course without an iota of change to the curriculum for the past 15 years? I mean even a dullard can be perfect in what he repeatedly does. In lieu of that, I realized my “Distinction” friend has actually underrated the lecturer for saying he is brilliant when in the real sense, the lecturer is an epitome of intellectual sagacity.

Another reputable icon in the gallery of my “Distinction” friend is the lecturer who bullies, but not with a cane. He is the lecturer who would place the torn dusty brownish lecture book on the table, the lecture book that is older than most of his students, and the weariness of the pages of the lecture book is a measurement to the number of years he has spent in the institution. That doesn’t seem funny, right? I know, but permit me to bore you more, He is the type that comes to class, dictates the same thing he has been dictating for the past two decades, wear up the no nonsense face, and takes seriously the attendance in class like it’s among the criteria to become an emeritus, but in the end, despite no new change to what he takes every session for the past two decades, you still find students of his course scoring marks that get them the highest alphabet on the grade list. Who do we blame? The lecturer that teaches the out-of-date curriculum or the students that have based their focus and practice on the modern curriculum?

There again, in my “Distinction” friend’s diary, (don’t mind that I poked my nose in his diary, but) I found something that amused me. It was about another sagacious lecturer he held in high esteem. This lecturer doesn’t lecture, rather he teaches. Don’t get too enthusiastic about this lecturer, he teaches doesn’t incite the one that explains in details, the type that does not tell you minute and request you find the ambiguous yourself. He teaches because he writes whatever lecture he wants to deliver on the board, thereafter students run a race of the fastest writer – the person who drops pen immediately the lecturer drops the marker. In the bid to make us have the exclusive understanding of the lecture, he reads to our ears what he has written on board, like that of the reading of the popular Primary school comprehension “Simbi goes to school.” And as he reads, we showcase our level of understanding by using our eyes to trace the words one after the other without our eyes displacing from the whole comprehension.

In the end, a product of these turbulences, the friend of mine, managed to graduate with a Distinction, “the celebrated grade,” wrote many application letters to firms and industries, and on his first interview, he basked in joy over the job for he knew he had secured it already. My friend, in suit and a brown brogue he borrowed money to buy, entered with elegance into the interview room. Few minutes passed, while I was at the reception waiting for my turn to be called in, I saw my friend drenched in his own sweat as a wild laughter escaped through the unclosed door of the interview room. I couldn’t summon the courage to walk up to him and ask what happened, but his soliloquies gave me whatever response that I needed. Suddenly my friend grabbed my hands and asked, how can you differentiate between a Television and a Radio? After my short silence that defined how stupid the question was, I remembered how clearly it was stated in my lecturer’s manual, and I responded, “Television is the younger sister of Radio.” “Exactly how I responded with much elation”, my “Distinction” friend snapped, “until the interviewer told me I have a Distinction without a distinction.”

Note: Before you consider me a sexist, I’ve only made “he,” “his,” “him” and other masculine terms in the article as a representation of a universal gender; representing both male and female. Conversely, this satire is just a representation of the generalised occurrence in Nigeria institutions.